THE ILLUMINATEE — OFFICE OF CIVILIAN DISCLOSURE

Civilian Contact

 

FORM 7-C CASE NO. ███-██
PUBLIC INQUIRY INTAKE

Response time: 24–48 hours, pending council review. The council is one person. The person is fast.

APPENDIX A

Frequently Interrogated Questions

How long does shipping take?

Artifacts are dispatched through approved civilian channels. Production takes 2–5 business days, transit typically 3–8 business days depending on your coordinates. Orders over $75 ship free.

What if my shirt doesn't fit?

Free size exchanges. Submit a transmission above with your order number and desired size. The Internal Garment Review Board approves these automatically. It's their only joy.

What's your return policy?

30-day money-back guarantee. If something isn't right, we make it right. Artifact return requests are received, pretend-reviewed by the council, and then actually resolved by a human.

Where is my order?

Check your shipping confirmation email for tracking. If the tracking has gone dark for more than a few days, report the disappearance above and we'll investigate. We're good at investigations.

Is this a real secret society?

No. The Illuminatee is a satirical apparel brand. The departments are fictional, the files are props, and the only thing classified is how comfortable the shirts are.